I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints

googlez lol

2009-04-28T23:10:39Z

its funny i put from hizzay meaning home and google satalite pops up

arthritis, not gingavitis

2009-04-28T23:08:05Z

well first off hello journal

^ weeks a go a paramedic stepped on my toe to help wake me out of a diabetic slumber (me biting 5 paramedics and kicking them). It was big and purple (reference facebook, purple reffering to toe not the paramedics).(lost my spot ignore these things). I guess it was broke and healed funny i would like to blame the paramedics but i blame myself for not having insurance. Anyways went to a foot doctor with a free visit coupon he said i will get arthritis in my toe and prob need a screw in it someday. (sadface)

The end

nice kurt vonnegut quote

2008-04-03T13:09:25Z

"Freud said he didn't know what women wanted. I know what women want. They want a whole lot of people to talk to. What do they want to talk about? They want to talk about everything.

What do men want? They want a lot of pals, and they wish people wouldn't get so mad at them.

Why are so many people getting divorced today? It's because most of us don't have extended families anymore. I used to be that when a man and a woman got married, the bride got a lot more people to talk to about everything. The groom got a lot more people to tell dumb jokes to.

A few Americans, but very few, still have extended families. The Navahos. The Kennedys.

But most of us, if we get married nowadays, are just one more person for the other person. The groom gets one more pal, but it's a woman. The woman gets one more person to talk to about everything, but it's a man.

When a couple has an argument, they may think it's about money or power or sex, or how to raise the kids, or whatever. What they're really saying to each other, though, without realizing it, is this:

"You are not enough people!"

they took my woman they took my money they took my teefish

2008-01-22T15:07:24Z

my bottom right wisdom tooth is coming in and its taking the rest of my teeth with them, why cant it be like the malformed crocked bottom left one sure it looks silly but it doesnt hurt. i really dont want to go to the dentist, because ive seen the shows where the dentists do weird things while ur knocked out like dress you in a clown suit and take pictures.

kelp_magnet @ 2007-12-11T00:55:00

2007-12-11T07:00:49Z

::stardate decemeber eleventh 1967::

i like this song cause it opens with

I once snorted cocaine
Off of Gwen Stefani's ass

solution

2007-09-21T23:50:11Z

Lawn mower > A Rake

kelp_magnet @ 2007-04-10T21:13:00

2007-04-11T02:17:28Z

All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy\
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy
All work no play makes kurt a dull dull boy

I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

Second verse same as the first

I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

------ lead guitar ------

I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

H-E-N-R-Y
Henry (Henry)
Henry (Henry)
Henry the eighth I am, I am
Henry the eighth I am

Yeah!

harc,

2007-03-26T20:03:07Z

i was speeding down 115th between central and cicero, low and behold an officer of the law to the rescue. i see a bus keep stoping over the various tracks and all the cars behind it are stopping no one is switching lanes so i stop and i got a ticket for suposedly passing up a stopped school bus so i stopped with the bus and i bet they ran my plates and had a good laugh and turned away, or they just saw me slow down and didnt speed read me, but zeus really was on my side that day

hold those 2 thumbs way up high

March 26, 2007, 14:56

acronymns i think not

2007-02-03T23:10:01Z

Canada is to the United States as Indiana is to Illinois!

kelp_magnet @ 2007-01-03T21:43:00

2007-01-04T02:43:31Z

its funny how a smell can remind u of the past

wasting a way

2006-11-09T09:39:32Z

in the time i could be doing homework i am watching tv, honestly how can someone care enough to suceed. or spell it correctly?

bunny canoe

2006-08-19T19:29:46Z

so i caught a bunny at work today it was a baby, i grabbed it and put it in a basket it got into the shop, it was covered in dust so i brushed it off,there was a bunny hole but it looked vacant, if its still there on monday im calling the animal welfare unless someone wants to take care of it, hopefully its ok i couldnt find it as i left.

kelp_magnet @ 2006-06-06T14:07:00

2006-06-06T19:08:33Z

Yay Armageddon

Molestering

2006-04-27T06:01:36Z

I chipped my tooth somehow. i really dont like going to the dentist, im still deciding if i should go have it fixed.

Pros+

When i drink cold stuff wont bother my nerves , When i rub my tounge on my teeth i wont feel a sharp point

Cons -

Dentists are perverts

and try to have sex with patients

Chuck Norris Facts...

2006-03-07T06:35:27Z

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
-Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
-Chuck Norris can hear silence.
-Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second
Wednesday of the month.
-When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.
-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
-Chuck Norris can draw a square circle.
-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
-When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
-Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris
-If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.
-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
-Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs
of life there.
-If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
-The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.
-As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away
in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the
1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional
football history.
-A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name
cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
-They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit
from anybody.
-Chuck Norris' penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of
space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of
time
is mearly a byproduct of Norris' colossal erections. This is known as
the "Chuck Norris' big cock theory of space-time".
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
-When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned
an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing
only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
-Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.
-Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
-Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
-Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
-Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a dying man.
Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.
-Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
-Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
own.
-At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick
the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
-Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
-When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
-To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
-According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can
actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
-Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
-A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.
-Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
-Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
-Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
-Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's
no glitch."
-Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green #4 card from the game UNO.
-Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
-Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
-The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. 5849
7.17
-The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.
-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
-Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them
there was a stripper in it.
-Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang -back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck,
to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he
taketh away.
-Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the
bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would
be
the less painful way to die.
-Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is
"lucky".
-Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt
off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants
off.
-Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris
open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and
angrier.
-Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris.
Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
-Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
-A recent poll discovered 93% of women think about Chuck Norris during
sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris
100% of the time during sex.
-Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".
-Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.
-Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
-Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his
lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
-Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have
deleted the internet.
-It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more
pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
-Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
-A man was once stranded on the side of the road after his car ran out
of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got out, and looked the man in the eye.
The man knew that everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to
piss
into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man has never had to
fill his gas tank up again. That was 14 years ago.
-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in
the face.
-Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
-Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.
-Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people
was just too easy.
-After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on
Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His
reasoning? It was more "humane".
-One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick
Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized
profusely.
Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine
months
later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew
exactly
what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
-Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved. 6475 7.06
-Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the
grass and dares it to grow.
-Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and
are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God
asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies,
"I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my
toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the
one
sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to
Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my
seat."
-Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but
because he can piss on whatever the fuck he wants. 1227 7.04
-Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature
of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a
meteor,
and still owes him a beer.
-Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reeses.
-Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets becuase they know better.
-Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died
because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris
tendon.
-There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer
parks.
-Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to
65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0
to
125.
-Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
-Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence
to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
roundhouse kick related deaths.
-Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.
-The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck
Norris.
-On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that
said, "Chuck Norris was here."
-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE
YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony
of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile
radius of the blast went deaf.
-When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He
pushes the Earth down.
-Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains
undefeated.
-Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy
boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.
-There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck
Norris, and people who are going to die.
-Anyone can piss on the bathroom floor, but Chuck Norris can shit on
the ceiling.
-Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.
-Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a
birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the
truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas
-After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal
words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil
Armstrong looked to his right, only to see -Chuck Norris there on the
moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass",
Chuck replied.
-The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the
sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
-Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.
-If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck
Norris.
-Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television
when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what
he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of his, what was supposed to be a
relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout
at them, "Trix are for Chuck Norris."
-Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is. He had an affair with
her and impregnated her with one swift punch to the ovaries. We know
this child as "Superman"

kelp_magnet @ 2006-02-01T03:30:00

2006-02-01T09:30:16Z

dan we need to cover breakin the law by judas priest i will play some of it when we practice

generic live journal subject

2006-01-23T06:58:17Z

im trying to make my computer work indepentantly of wires
it shall be wire less, but does wireless mean no wires
yes it does
because without wires and wires wouldnt exsist
but does something that doesnt exsist not have a form
does it not take up space
is a soul matter?

-------------side note----------------------
The world needs less happy songs

kelp_magnet @ 2005-12-04T21:50:00

2005-12-05T03:50:55Z

does anyone use this anymore

sick and sad again

2005-09-26T00:08:27Z

Its all down hill from here
I feeling like im living in between life
I really dont want to get older
Sure getting through college and makin money sounds swell and all
thats all school teaches u
You can be perfectly happy doing something simple and making no money
you can always think of famous people , and be like, that can be me someday
i can be the next wayne gretzkey
well fuck wayne gretzkey
Just doing enough stuff to get by
living the same thing every day and looking forward to the end of the day

When you really think about it all life is' Bean Burritos and dr pepper

My knee, your face, crossbite

2005-09-20T00:57:06Z

i had more to say earlier i just didnt feel like typing. well people are morons and eleteists. I want to play some fuckiun gas chamber. i had low bloodsugar at work today so i was being fuckin redicoulous walking out of step and running at times then walking. Mopping was hilarious cause i almost fell over after every sweep. i was dancing with this machine u push to whipe off the floor. Well anyways that guy at jerrys JAmeZ. He was an asshole, but not the regular asshole, he hated himself so he took it out on us, and to make himself feel better he said i would never do that heres the change and it was like some dimes and pennys. He said dude u g uys are cool all myfriends listen to new found glory and all that crap ( Poseur). I imagine u do as. he looked like this .

we should stab his eyes.

oh and my tattoo is O but bigger and blue

not by much

i have to do a report on vivaldi it had to be 30 min long

:O

but not till octember 11

BAM WAM CHAM CHAM CHAM

2005-09-09T23:11:49Z

lookin at my last post i only lasted a day or so. my stomach pain is kinda gone. so far at work Me = $900 in damage mike = $700 in damage

i wanna eat leave and wathc the exercism of emily rose

im not a fucking asshole

smoking

2005-08-31T05:19:42Z

i quit, kinda i broke all my cigarettes in 1/2 and tossed them out my window, maybe ill start again after i start feelin better or something so i guess im on hiadas. ill still bum one everynow and then i guess

kelp_magnet @ 2005-08-30T13:33:00

2005-08-30T18:41:11Z

In U.S., A's for apathy
Not bullshit democracy
Red white and blue is all you see
But does it mean you're really free?

In U.S., A's for anarchy
Not bullshit democracy
I want total liberty
I want peace and anarchy

They tell us how to act and be
Fuck that mental slavery
With standards and authority
How can you think you're really free?

Do what you want be what you be
Don't fall for their hypocrisy
Open you mind! Wake up and see!
True freedom is anarchy!
usa - reagan youth

germans made that fancy gas cause america bombed their refinerys and why dont we use htat shit and balance out the econmy. I think im diein i have a big pain in my stomach always

Holy diver

2005-08-16T19:02:06Z

I get to drive bmws around at work its boring tho and i work every fuckin day, except sunday, ah the sabbath.i was driving a jeep and it died.

NHL

2005-08-01T20:59:12Z

is back bitches